I Remember When...

I still remember when my daughter was a toddler, about 2 or 3. I always wondered what was going on in her head - she was so reticent, so pensive. I wondered what she thought of me, of our life, of anything. Did she like the Disney movies I showed her? Did she like my constant singing of everyday phrases? Did she know when I was drinking? Did she know when my boyfriend was being abusive? All quiet, all the time. I know now she has a voice, and I have an idea of what she thinks of me. Sometimes I think she thinks too much of me, that I haven't been all that good of a mother. And then at times, I think I'm trying to be the best kind of mother. Time will tell.

My daughter doesn't remember all the bad times and those she does remember, she uses as part of her strength.  I find her more insightful of me as a mother than I was of my own.  I didn't pay too much attention to what my mother did as a mother - I know I loved her more than I loved myself sometimes. I was always scared she would die; I watched her walk to her car in our insanely safe neighborhood when she worked the graveyard shift at Kaiser Hospital as an LVN. I made her wave at me, even though I wasn't supposed to be awake.  But in all, I loved her and I feared her disappointment more than any punishment, neither of which she doled out very often. 

I think because I drank for many years, and didn't take advantage of even how wonderful my mother was, that I insist on being fully present with my own daughter.  Probably to a fault.  She likely tires of my stories, and my cautions, but she suffers them as gladly as possible.

Since she has turned 13, I notice a subtle change in our relationship.  At times, we'll fight about nothing, and my reproaches. which normally result in her backing down, all of a sudden have been met with challenge from time to time. Its a pulling away that I'm sure every book on adolescence has documented.  But its caught me off guard.  The other day, we fought about whether she had played a certain video game two nights in a row or one - it didn't matter, but we fought over who was right.  Ridiculous! But we were both detemined.  In those moments of rather silly fighting, I've decided to back down, to apologize, and to "name it" - that we're fighting for no good reason.  For now, I see the light go on and she realizes as I do that this is not how we want it to be, so we stop. But I wonder how this will change over the years with more influences coming in from outside sources, and my work which keeps me busy? We shall see.